Saturday, June 12, 2010

Top 10 fictional places you do not want to call home

  • Amity Island, New England
Bad real estate since the water went red 1975
Amity Island is the least of your worries on our list. Why? Because you only have to worry if you plan to go in the water. This is home to the great white shark Jaws. She is not you run of the mill shark. She is bigger, smarter, and more hungry with a particular taste for the Brody family. (and the occasional underwater Sea World attraction. Not your concern.) Notice I said She. If you have ever seen Jaws III you know that it is her baby she is looking for when she attacks. Besides only a female could be that much of a bitch.

Jaws has the ability to resurrect herself. She has somehow been able to return from being shot, burned, electrocuted, and blown up. If you happen to catch her attention or have the last name Brody she just might follow you from Amity to your new tropical location. She might even beat you there. Best to just avoid the whole nasty situation.

  • Elm Street, Midwestern Town
Bad real estate since sleeping = a dirt nap 1984
The town is not the problem here. One street is all you have to keep off. Another place that is harder on the underage residents. Get a hobby cause you are going to need something to do all night. Sleeping is not an option. Freddy Kruger of the Ginsu manicure has a hobby. His is finding children in dreams so he can use them as a scratching post. I value my sleep too much to ever be comfortable here.

  • Jerusalem's Lot, Maine
Bad real estate since the whole town got long in the tooth 1975
With the current fad toward sparkling vampires, some might disagree with me on this location. Our first of three stops in Maine, Salem's Lot is home to Vampires. And that is it. During the day the streets and buildings are empty while the town sleeps. At night things get more, er lively? If you are a dentist this might be the place for you. Everyone is going to need top of the line dental care if they plan to stick around for the next few centuries. Is a nocturnal lifestyle going to be something you can adapt too? If so, Welcome to Salem's Lot!

  • Haddonfield, IL
Bad real estate since Micheal did not get to trick or treat 1978
Teenage girls old enough to babysit are easy pickings in this town. The boyfriends on these girls do not fair well either. Micheal Meyers turns up once a year to slice the population. Any adult who tries to help the kids gets cut down. Micheal is temperamental about his work and prefers to be left alone. If you choose to live here you might consider locking the kids in the basement until they are old enough to leave for college.


  • 4267 Roxbury St., Simi Valley, California
Bad real estate since the TV started talking to the kid 1982
Mean ghosties afoot here. If you have children it is a top priority that you avoid this house. It has a history of kidnapping closets, trees that munch on little boys, and creepy clowns under the bed. I wouldn't swim in the pool. The bodies of the people buried under your foundation are floating there. In the past it has taken extreme measures to get everything set to rights. Very short psychics are not found on every corner you know. The house itself no longer exists. It kind of, self imploded into a tiny little spark. The not so rested dead are still there so i would not rebuild.

  • Canaima, California
Bad real estate since the shipment arrived 1990
Spiders. I think for most that is all I have to say. For those who need a little more than that i will explain further. Exotic species of high toxic tarantula is shipped from Venezuela to Canaima by accident. Mr. Spider sets up shot and becomes the general of a new breed of spiders. With the perfect disguise, they look like harmless house spiders but have the bite of a certain aforementioned shark. If you are bitten you have about 30 seconds of excruciating pain before you go toe up. Like I said, spiders. Not even on a dare.

  • Derry, Maine
bad real estate since IT moved in.
Derry has been home to a lot of bad mojo. The creature called IT that can change his shape to match your fears is responsible for quite a bit. More recently it was the hostile aliens that snaked through your bowels that give Derry a bad name. Those alone would discourage the wary. However many more tragedies can claim a tie to Derry. Below is a list of books that feature Derry.
  • Castle Rock, Maine
bad real estate since the first chronological appearance in 1959

Stephen King's favorite town. The one any King fan knows. There are no good stories to tell about Castle Rock. Here is the list of books that take place in Castle Rock or make reference to it.
  • Silent Hill
Bad real estate since the town burned in 1986
Self righteous town folk relive the Salem witch burnings. Cowards always pray on those weaker than themselves. This time the victim of a little girl. She didn't die but man is she ticked off. Help arrives from an actual demon, not the personal ones the citizens are plagued with. Alessa and Demon turn the town into the devil's playground. You never know when a nice day is going to turn into a fiery inferno of pain and suffering. Pyramid head with his giant meat cleaver and army of roaches is not a great neighbor. Once you move here you won't be coming back. Ever. This is almost our top pick because you will not even exist on the same plane or reality once you enter Silent Hill.


  • LV-426, Space
Bad real estate since the nostromo landed in 1979
Our number one place you don't want to live is not even on earth. It is actually a whole diff rent planet. An entire planet that will kill you. The terrain in inhospitable and the residents are worse. The site of a spaceship crash flown by a creature of unknown origins carrying large eggs with a surprise inside. Years after this it is a terra forming colony. Facehuggers become chestbursters grow into xenomorphs and before you know it the whole place is crawling with Aliens. In the basement of the local nuclear factory is where her royal highness is popping out more Easter eggs. Unless you are a terra former, a family member of a terra former, a colonial marine, Weyland-Yutani personnel, or Ellen Ripley I cannot imagine why you would be here. It sucks without the Aliens.
- Evil Lyn

No comments:

Post a Comment

We want to hear what you think!