Sunday, June 20, 2010

Happy Father's Day!

The Scary Scoop would like to say "You Rock!" to all those great Dads out there. In honor of Father's Day we have compiled a list of a few of the not so great male role models brought to us by Hollywood. After all, you cannot gauge perfection without first knowing just how bad it can get. Here are the six guys you don't want to call Pops.

6. Darth Vader
Kids: Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa

Vader became the Daddy of a set of twins back when he was still that whiny Anakin Skywalker. He sets out first to kill his own son, then decides to try and sway him to the dark side instead. He cuts off Luke's hand to teach him a lesson. Nothing like corporal punishment to set a kid on the straight and narrow. Or would that be the curvy and wide since Vader was a villain? Luke declines the offer like the hero that he is. Vader then decides to move on to his daughter after he discovers her existence from Luke. You know, cause women are easier to turn and already mostly evil. Yeah...
In the final moments of the movie Vader proves he still ain't all bad. He might not be the worst dad in the galaxy but I think Luke might and his missing hand might not feel like making him a card.

5. Max
Kids: The Lost Boys

Max is the single father of a large brood. His boys like to sleep all day and party all night. By party I mean torment and drain the blood from the living. It isn't easy trying to keep so that many kids in line. They really need a mother's touch. Lucy is his perfect candidate with two boys of her own. Kind of like the bloodsucking Brady bunch. Wait, isn't that a line form the movie? Lucy's oldest boy is already half way to vamp ville. It would be a simple matter of turning the other one. Or killing him. Whichever is quicker.

4. Jack Torrance
Kids: Danny Torrance

Jack has a problem. He hears hotels talking. The Overlook Hotel is not happy until a little blood gets spilled. Jack says " No problem, I have a wife and a kid. A twofer!" Instead of writing his book, which is why he hauled his family up to this godforsaken crap hole in the first place, he just keeps writing "all work and no play..." I think you know what he was writing. His wife has the audacity to try and read his work before publication so he has to teach her a lesson. I think an axe will really get his message across that he has had it with their shenanigans.

3. Jerry Blake
Kids: Not perfect enough to mention

Jerry is the perfect father. Too bad he can never find the family he deserves. As hard as he tries they never get it right. It is his duty as man of the house to show them the errors of their ways. What kind of father would he be if he let them life after that horrible display of behavior?

2. Leland Palmer aka BOB
Kids: Laura Palmer

Leland likes to let BOB take over for him when it is time to fillet the local teenage girls. His own daughter included after she refuses to have sex with him. She was ungrateful and just didn't want Dad to have any fun. What kind of good daughter acts like that? That's why she had to go.

1. Daddy
Kids: Alice, Roach, and those others in the basement.

Daddy is not the head of this house. That honor belongs to his wife/sister Mommy. He is her pit bull that she sics on the kids when they do not show proper respect. Junior spoke evil? Cut out his tongue. He saw evil? Out come the eyes. Bad little monkeys loose evil appendages. Daddy can be pushed too far. Then it is time to done his S&M body suit and go hunting, huge gun in hand.

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